Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Abraham Lincoln
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
Ronald Reagan
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Robin Williams
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis
I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
Michael J. Fox
Every girls' night needs a funny movie and a good conversation about guys! My friends and I also love picking outfits out for each other to try on at slumber parties. It's so fun.
Jennette McCurdy
Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
Steve Jobs
I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there.
Bill Cosby
Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day.
Tracy Morgan
I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.
Jim Carrey
When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.
Robin Williams
The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny.
Bill Gates
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Woody Allen
I would say 80% of the scripts I get are dramas and not comedies or romantic comedies, which is funny because that's what I do every week.
Eva Longoria
That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife.
Moby